A couple months back Honey was looking at airfares and came across a really good deal to Phoenix, Arizona.  He asked me, "what do you think, or did you have enough desert on your last trip?"  Now my last trip was "the big cross country adventure with toddlers ."  Since that involved the northern route through Arizona on the first two days of driving, the memories were still warm and fuzzy.  There was the fun and interesting stop at the Meteor Crater followed by the time sucking Painted Desert and Petrified Forest.  It was the later memories that were twisted by impatience and raw nerves.  Besides, Phoenix is South Arizona.  A whole new world to explore.  No toddlers involved.  "Sounds neat," I said.  Honey booked the flight.

Right away we explored Phoenix on the internet.  "Oh, look, our hotel is close to the zoo.  Let's do that," we said.  The zoo is located in Papago Park , which you can also explore by hiking or renting bikes.  Then we can go explore Taliesin West , Frank Lloyd Wright's architectural masterpiece.  You think we would have seen Falling Water since it's practically in our backyard?  Nah, to easy.  We can't wait to try authentic Southwestern food.  We might take a sunset wagon ride on the Gila Indian Reservation .  We might go learn about the Navajo Nation .  Maybe we'll eat real frybread?  We really want to hike in the Superstition Wilderness.  A couple hours on the computer and we had a nice list of thing to do in and around Phoenix.

Honey has a couple of friends in Phoenix, or rather Mesa.  They suggested we visit them and also hike the Sonoran Desert.  Then later that night, low and behold, Les Stroud of Survivorman gets "lost" in the Sonoran Desert.  How fortuitous for us!  Thanks to Les I now know how to make a fire with a stick,  freshen up with smoke, and keep warm in the freezing nighttime desert.  (Note to self:  Have Honey pack matches.  I don't want to spend vacation or surviving with blistered hands.)  If I have to, I can eat scorpions or grasshoppers.  I can sharpen a spear to ward off mountain lions (or desert lions in this case)and Javelinas.  Now when I saw the Javelina I thought, "Dude, roast pig over a mesquite fire, yum.  Lose the scorpions and grasshoppers."  But, they aren't really pigs, so no pork enchiladas in the wilderness.  Then again, scorpions and grasshoppers aren't typical American fare either.  I wonder what big cat tastes like?  We are talking survival here.

Last Friday, Honey announced, "two weeks to vacation!  If we are going hiking we might want to invest in hiking boots and make sure they are broken in."  We jumped into the car and headed up to the Evil Walmart.  He promptly found a pair of really nice hiking boots on the men's "wall of outdoor footwear" for $20.00.  Unfortunately, they didn't carry any hiking boots, or a wall of outdoor footwear for women, neither did Payless, Famous Footwear, T J Max, J C Penney's, Sears, Boscovs, nor the six shoe stores in the mall.  I was tired and frustrated and ready to declare all women of Johnstown non-hikers when Honey suggested the fairly new Gander Mountain store.  Finally, a small section of outdoor footwear for the apparently four other women of south central Pennsylvania who hike. They were on sale for $50.00 which would have been a savings if we hadn't already wasted four hours of our time and about $15.00 in gas.

Yesterday, Honey announced, "one week to vacation!  I want to get a hat so the desert sun doesn't burn my ears.  I still have a Boscovs gift card from Christmas.  Let's go to the mall."  I'm thinking, "good idea!  I'll get one too.  I don't want to bake my brains in the desert sun."  Now you know where this is headed.  Don't you?

Let me tell you about the hats of Johnstown.  You have three models to choose from.  There is the corduroy or heavy felt "old man's hat."  That is the one you see on the head of the old man you've been following in your car for the last half hour at 10 miles under the posted speed limit.  Just looking at it brings on waves of impatience and off-road rage.  It's much too heavy for desert head wear.

The second type is the baseball style cap.  It's available in a rainbow of fashionable colors to match every stitch of clothing you own.  Unfortunately, the bill of the cap only shades your eyes when worn forward; your neck when worn backward; or one ear if worn sideways.  Fine if you are Van Gogh, but not suitable for the rest of us.

Thirdly, there is the knit ski cap.  Now, one would think by April the weather has warmed sufficiently to phase out the head warming knit ski cap but, the local stores have picked up on the rising demand for this type of hat from the local drug junkies who have taken up burglary to support their habits.  How's that for filling a niche market?

We finally come to the conclusion that if you want outdoor clothing, you have to go to an outdoor store like Gander Mountain.  Since we have that gift card Honey spends it on a nice Pierre Cardin four piece luggage set.  We head through the JC Penney store to where we parked when on our way out the door we spy a small rack with a cool cotton Aussie style hat.   Learning our lesson from the great hiking boot search, we each grab a hat and notice they are on sale for $15.00.  Today the world is a good place.

As we climb into the car Honey says, "finally!  Mission accomplished!  Let's go home and pack."  Then I mention, "if we are hiking through the desert aren't we also going to need something to carry water in?  After all, we have all this extra space in our new luggage and we are just a few doors down from the outdoor store."  He rolls his eyes but then rethinks the silliness when he finds a mini-backpack with a two litter water bladder and a hose that he can drink from attached right to the shoulder strap.  I go for the two liter canteen.

Now mission is accomplished!  We stop at Burger King to celebrate with a couple of those BBQ Steak Burgers.  Those would be the new sandwich where the square meat hangs over the round bun by 2 inches on each side, topped with bacon studded mayo, deep fried onion pieces, cheese, BBQ sauce, and lettuce and tomato.  It's probably loaded with more calories than a person should eat in a week. 

OH MY GOD!!!  I've just envisioned myself on vacation opening my new suitcase only to find I DON'T FIT into ANY of my summer clothes from last year.  CRUD (look mom, no swearing)!!! I'm going to have to try everything on and use that gift card for larger clothes.  So much for mission accomplished.  It's a good thing I have time to look for clothes now that I'm unemployed.

tags: vacation  travel  arizona  phoenix  hiking  boots  shoes  hats  desert  survival  survivorman  les stroud  pennsylvania  johnstown  shopping  eating  burger  

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