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Monsta, Monsta
On to matters of a more serious nature . . .
Last night, I was on my way into the basement with the cat hot on my trail when I stopped dead in my tracks at the bottom of the stairs. GASP! The cat crashed into the back of my legs but I didn't even realize it because I was standing there pointing at something so hideous you just wouldn't believe it.
I'm standing there pointing and silently mouthing the words, "monster, MONSTER," in what might have been one of those really campy Godzilla movies from the 60's but this monster was all too real and Honey wasn't even home to save me.
Now I know you are curious as to why a six foot piece of straw has frightened me so or why there is even a piece of straw on the basement floor. It's a basement and I confess I haven't vacuumed down there since last fall. Hey, I vacuum the rest of the house weekly so don't even think I don't keep the house clean. The basement is the lair of the launderer and we all know that is NOT me. It's also the cat box hiding place and the catchall for uninteresting cat toys. There's also a flattened box that the cats have shredded while sharpening their killer "Nightmare on Elm Street" claws. So in addition to the piece of straw, there are dust bunnies, laundry lint lions, cat fur tumble weeds, and shredded pieces of cardboard covering the carpet. But, back to the monster. It's that dot next to the piece of straw. Here:
See??? Bleeeecccchhhh!!! Yucky!
What do you mean, how did I see it amongst all the detritus on the floor??? Look at it! It's huge!! It could take on Godzilla. And don't you know?? People with arachnophobia have special spider radar built in to their eyes. Gaaaaawwwwwd I think I see hairs. I might get sick. Here look again:
I hightail it upstairs and vow I will NEVER go into the basement again. Not a big deal really. I don't do laundry and Honey can scoop the cat boxes. Problem solved.
Now to get the camera un-duct taped from the cat. You didn't think I was getting close to that monster. Did you? You people are silly. This is exactly the reason why they make cameras with Zoom and Timer Mode. If you just pull quickly . . .OW, OUCH!!! Claws. It's OK. No stitches this time. Wow, look at all the hair. Huh. You think this stuff could be used for waxing?
All that excitement really made me tired. I went up to the bedroom where I carefully stuffed a towel under the door just in case the monster went on a rampage. This method works really good for keeping things out. So good, in fact, that when Honey came home at 1 a.m. from cards he had to practically break the door down before I woke up in a panic thinking the monster was on the verge of getting me. I eventually realized that it wasn't the monster when I put my hearing aids in and heard swearing along with the pounding. We all know spiders don't talk.
I cleared the towel and opened the door to a really angry Honey. He yelled, "What the HELL are you doing???" I just whimpered, "there was a monster, I was scared." I think I managed a trembling lower lip which made his anger melt away while he grabbed me tight and said, "it's ok, I'm here now." I'm pretty sure this only makes sense to someone who has had a few beers while playing cards otherwise he would have just asked why I didn't lock the door. But then all non inebriated arachnophobics know that spiders, no matter how huge, can squeeze under the smallest door crack. Anyway, we fell asleep and the night progressed uneventfully.
This morning, after Honey left for work, I got up and groggily stumbled into the computer room to check e-mail as is now my unemployed morning ritual. My Yahoo home page popped up greeting me with this bit of news, "Is Soda Bad for Your Bones?" Crap! My beloved cola. So that's the reason my teeth have been disintegrating. I went over to the Word Perfect files where I deleted the letter that I had written to the dentist accusing him of doing substandard fillings that only lasted a year in an effort to have regular income from insured clients (of which I was no longer). Then I stopped cold. It wasn't the gut wrenching fear of cola induced bone disintegration that stopped me because frankly the transformation into something that more resembles sea life isn't going to make me give up cola, it was the realization that my cola supply was in the basement fridge being guarded by THE MONSTER.
Oh God. I could feel the moisture evaporating from my body. My brain was screaming for caffeine and sugar. I've heard of addicts dying from being suddenly cut off from their fix. Was this my fate? Would I be found face down on the keyboard with QWERTY pressed into my forehead, a dried husk of the woman I used to be? I pushed the image from my mind. I straighted my spine and with confident resolve stated, "I need my PEPSI NOW!"
You are probably thinking I grabbed my car keys and went to the store for a Pepsi quick fix but I didn't. In my Pepsi weakened state that option completely slipped my mind. Instead, I faced my fears head on. I donned the armor of brave arachno-warriors the world over. With my broomstick and my BIG shoe I descended into the basement with my spider radar on high, alert to the slightest threat from hidden monsters. After careful inspection of the fridge and the surrounding area, I opened the door with the tips of my thumb and finger, juggling my weapons as I claimed my prize. I carefully made my way back to the stairs where once in range of the first step I threw down my weapons and hastily scrambled up to safety.
A chorus of angels nearly drowned out the sound of the "Pppshshshshshaaaaa" as I opened the cap and poured the nectar of life into my dehydrated body. Aaaaahhhhhh!
Indiana Jones has nothing on me.
You might be on to something--soft teeth from soda drinking! I grew up on
Kool-aid and milk, then milk, tea and coffee. Soda is a treat reserved for
eating out and sometimes not even then. Soda is evil!! Kick the habit!!
Try hard liquor! (I didn't say that!)
This reminds me of when we went to the natural foods show in Covington and
we were at dinner when Mr. Roach decided to join us. You tried to be cool,
but suddenly you leapt up screaming and your chair goes flying backwards
and tips over! I was just telling this story the other day to someone, but
for some reason they were not laughing near as hard as i was just
remembering it...
Mom-The article seems to point to phosphoric acid in cola but like I said
I'll become catty the human squid before I give it up.
Apologies for laughing, but I felt like I was reading some of my own words,
except, it's my wife that's frightened of spiders, me, I say live and let
live! We've had some "close enounters" where I had to be the here come to
rescue the maiden fare! My only dislike is walking into spider webs, which
I figure I'm good for at least 4 every summer. And don't get me started re:
caffeine, sugar & soda, though I'm trying to cut down on my intake.
Caffeine has gotten me through to the deliberation round of jury duty, 3
weeks plus, and 12 people with differing opinions trapped in a room,
aarrgghh! I'd put money down that the judge thinks
we're idiots!
Kevin-Go ahead and laugh, I do. I don't kill them unless they attack. I
hate walking into spider webs too. When I was working the 4am shift every
morning I would walk by the Rhododendron and there was always a web that
hit me at eye level. The funny thing is there isn't anything at that level
that the other end would be attached to. Is there a spider attached to the
end floating in the breeze??? Is it now crawling up the web into my hair?
Will it be dropping down in front of my face while I'm driving?
When i was a young married and we were living in Germany my young wife and
i were blissfully sleeping when suddenly theree was this ear piercing
shriek. i almost crapped myself and reared up in bed ready for fight or
flight and realized that it was my young wife having a nightmare. i jiggled
her shoulder and said wake up and she grabbed on to me with desparation and
yelled "SPIDERS". I said "where?, she said, Everywhere!"
When I calmed her down she was trembling and told me about the dream and we
got up and made a cuppa tea.
And then.....when I was a kid, my brothers and I would hang small,
realistic looking plastic spiders over the heads of sleeping persons (never
our parents), then sit back and enjoy the show. I promise, I never did
that to you kids! (But I'd bet you did it to each other at some time or
other....) Where DO we get our fear of spiders??
Thanks for a good laugh, Catty. Very well-told!
Catty, I think you've got the talent for screenwriting. That had to be as
funny as Michael Myers new movie! ;]
JWL-That is so funny. My son did that when I was visiting him in Norfolk.
He's a notorious sleep walker and talker. He was screaming and slapping
himself. I think I woke him when I screamed, "what, What, WHAT??? Then he
looked at me sheepishly and said, "spiders crawling all over me." Then he
turned over and went back to sleep while I laid there trying to get my
heart beating normally again.
LMAO - loved this one! I too, am addicted to soda - but fountain diet
cokes only from fast food places. I'll drive completely out of my way for
one. As for spiders, I don't love them but I can kill them without a great
deal of fanfare. But MICE - whoa baby. Those completely freak me out -
like screaming, hopping up on the kitchen table, whimpering like a baby!
When I lived in NYC, one crawled over me while I slept on a low futon and I
have NEVER been the same. Thanks for such a great read!
Then there was the time my younger brother and I went to the Saturday
Matinee for a film called King Solomon's Mines and there is a sceene near
the end of the movie with large spiders decending from the ceiling. We were
in the balcony and had seen the film several times so just as the tension
from the screen spiders was building we tipped a bag of popcorn over the
railing and laughed ourselves silly at the ensuing panic. We were mean
little bastards ha ha
JWL
I don't know if it's been all the rain or what, but we've had an abnormally
large amount of spiders this spring. Really funky ones too, hairy, bit,
black and brown. Gross.
Goodness gracious, you're funny! I always have to be sooooo serious. I
bother myself. You can give up the soda. If I can, anyone can.
that was the funniest thing ever..... lol...... i sat here and just
pictured my mother(my protector of evil) with a broom and a shoe!! ha ha
ha
Such monsters appear in Colorado basements regularly. On my first
encounter, I ran next door to get my neighbor, who laughed at me for being
a "girl." It was clinging to the rise of the step, and manly-man had his
hand on the tread right above it, laughing at me and saying, "Where's the
big, bad spider?" I said, "Right under your hand." He lifted his hand and
looked, jumped backward down the last five steps, and screamed, "Fuck!
Fuck!" Then he proceeded to beat the snot out of it with a fly-swatter. I
had the last laugh.
That was funny, Paula! I'm also like your husband.;]
Jeez Catty, reading that was like watching a horror movie. I was literally
holding my breath at one point. :)
Was just looking at the photos again. I think that's a wolf spider, or
what I like to call, Big Demon Spider. It's more fitting. Ewww...I hate
those things! They're like wanna-be tarantulas.