I'm retired.  Well, at least from the orange apron.  Now all my former co-workers are lining up to have me come make their houses pretty.  I have already put in 20 hours at Diane's house.  Her hubby likes to do home improvements but walls and woodwork aren't really his forté, they're mine.  Half the battle is doing things in proper order.  His order seems to be backwards.  I can fix it.  It just takes longer.

The last week of work was a real workout.  Inventory was Wednesday.  They don't close the store.  They have an outside company do it.  We just stand around waiting for them to ask questions and spot check their counts.  I know, so much fun.  But, this year it was really interesting because I had PMS which means I have that little neon sign over my head that says, "ALL nitwits form line here ↓ to be served!"

So I'm trying to audit someone's count when this old man hands me a piece of paper with this on it: 

He says to me, "I need the piece that fits in here because it wasn't in the box when I bought it."  I'm shaking my head "NO" because he's not making sense and I ask, "what are we talking about here?"  And he says, "the piece that goes from the bottom to here," as he points to the circle on the paper, then adds, "it has to be this size."  I take the hearing aid out of my ear and grab Greg as he walks by and ask, "can you help this gentleman?  My hearing aids need new batteries or something."  Later in the day I ask Greg what was the old man talking about?  A drain for a bathtub.  Oh, K, that makes sense now.

Then there is the lady who says, "Do you work here?  I need some help."  I ignore the "do you work here" and ask her what she needs.  "Well," she says, "I need help picking out everything I'm going to need."  Great!  I've just lost count again and there seems to be a pattern emerging with every customer today.  "What are you working on," I manage to say with a smile I hope isn't too insincere.  She says, "I'm having a new bathroom put in.  These are my tiles."  I'm sensing that this is going to be an all day project so I steer her back to the kitchen and bath designers, who I'm sure will thank me later.

I'm just about done with counting when a man comes up to me and says, "I need a 12' X 9' tarp."  Now this is my kind of customer!  He knows what he wants.  I take him over to the tarps, pass up the 6' X 9'and 8' X 10'.  I grab a 9' X 12' tarp and hand it to the man.  He presses his lips together and starts to turn red with anger.  "No, this isn't right.  I need a 12' X 9' tarp," he says starting to shake.  I really want to laugh.  You know I do.  Instead I just take a deep breath and grab the tarp:

                   and turn it this way.  

He  says, "Oh, you can do that?"  I tell him he can do anything he wants with it after he buys it.

Thank God the day is almost over!  I'm going to need drugs if this doesn't stop.  I turn in my phone and walkie talkie and just as I turn to leave I hear, "Excuse me Miss, I need some help.  Can you help me?"  So close I'm thinking, but I ask her,  "What did you need, Ma'am?"  She says, "I'm going to need someone to show me everything for my bathroom."  My eyes narrow and I ask her, "were you here earlier?  Never mind.  Let's go back to the kitchen and bath department.  We have a couple of people who would love to show you everything for your bathroom."  What are they going to do?  Fire me?

Thursday.  Two more days to go!  I'm making my rounds and the flooring department manager walks in and motions my attention to a tray she's carrying.  I run to the front of the store to see what she has.  Mmmm, Deviled Eggs!  I ask, "what's this for?  Did you make to many?"  Now I asked that because when I make too much or if Honey doesn't like something I take it to work so my friends can help me eat it.  But, she looks at me funny and says, "I brought them for Lenny but just remembered he isn't here today."  Then she turns to go to the break room.  Whatever!  I'm just happy I'll have snacks for break time in half an hour.

I head to the break room and there are a bunch of crock pots on the counter filled with yummy foods.  I ask one of the girls, "why didn't anyone tell me we were having an after inventory party?  I would have made something too!"  She says, "it was just something they threw together late the day before and you were already gone."  Ok, I guess I can eat my tuna noodle casserole on Friday, my last day, since there is all this yummy stuff to eat later today.

Diane (of retirement painting fame) calls me and asks me to take lunch with her at 12 noon.  We meet back in the break room where there is now a big cake on the table that says, "Farewell Catty and Brian!"  OH MY GOD!  The "night of the living dead" customers from Inventory Wednesday sucked my brain clear out of my head!!!  I am so freaking Gullible, with a capital G.  Really embarrassed.  Incredibly touched.  They threw a going away party for me and Brian.  Acres and acres of food and goodies and dips and stuff.  I did my best to try everything, I didn't want anyone to feel left out.  They wanted to have the party on Friday but they were afraid we would call off.  Now who calls off on their last day?? Never mind.  Some do.

I took home a big piece of goodbye cake for Honey.  We shared it.  Now I don't know if it was all the food I ate (and it was a lot) or if it was a combination of the cabbage and noodles, the killer chili, and the seven layer dip with refried beans but I blew up like a balloon at a birthday party. I wasn't so unlike that birthday balloon that gets loose before being tied, flying around making funny farty noises.  It was bad.  It was like that gas you see in the movies.  A glowing green mist that creeps along the low areas of the ground killing any living creature that happens to come in contact with it.

Feigning tiredness, I retreated to the bedroom early.  I crawled into bed and carefully sealed the blankets around me hoping they would act like a giant Ziplock bag.  I eventually fell asleep, or possibly passed out from the noxious fumes, I'm not sure.  At some point I remember Honey coming into the room to hang some clothes.  He poked me and asked, "Do you smell something?"  I pulled the covers tighter around me.  "Um, no," I said, "I did put some litter deodorizer in the cat box.  Maybe that's it?"  He quietly left the room, or maybe I didn't hear him fleeing with his hands covering his mouth and nose.

Friday.  Last day.  I awoke with Honey next to me.  He was still alive.  Thanks to inventory, they were over hours for the week and sent everyone home early.  It was an anti-climactic end to the orange apron years.  

tags: work  retirement  painting  plumbing  tarps  gas  flatulence  party  food  life  humor  funny  inventory  cake  chili  balloon  

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