You see them everywhere.  They are driving with it stuck to their ear.  They mindlessly push their shopping carts with it stuck to their ear.  They can't function doing a normal days worth of living without it being connected to their ear.  Shhhhh, if they know that you know about them, they will try to convert you.  They are the new "pod people," right out of Invasion of the Body Snatchers .

No one will ever be able to convert me.  The "pods" have to have a clear path to your brain through your ears, through hearing.  I am "pod" proof.  Unfortunately Honey is not so lucky.

One day while in Walmart Honey mentions what a good idea it would be to have a cell phone in case of emergencies.  Because of all this new technology, phone booths and pay phones are almost non existent.  As perhaps the last two humans on the face of the planet who don't own a cell phone, we are virtually cut off from instantaneous and constant contact with other pod people not to mention the mother ship that removes human brain waves through ear pods.

I grab Honey by the shoulders, shaking him and screaming, "resist, RESIST!"  He pulls away with a look of embarrassment when a group of twenty pod people turn to stare at us with glassy eyes and pods affixed firmly to their ears.  We are almost found out but we turn quickly to peruse the Track Phone display and the pod people return to their mindless wandering.  Phew, that was close.  I take a more subtle approach inspecting Honey's ears and mouth for telltale signs of invasion while he inspects the Track phones.  You know, viney things protruding from an orifice, or an extra eye staring back at you from an ear.

He tries to calm me by explaining that he would keep it in the car for emergencies.  I'm not convinced.  Even if his car breaks down on his four minute trek to work, by the time he dialed the pod he could have walked to either work or home to use a real phone.  He points out that there is our bi-yearly trip to Cleveland to see my family and our quarterly trip to Pittsburgh to pick up "the man."  Then he ignores my pleas and chooses a pod for twenty bucks.  It's bad enough they suck your brain out through your ear but then they make you pay for the equipment and the time it takes to do it.

He learns how to operate the brain sucker and loads it with the minimum of minutes.  I cry at the loss of my beloved Honey to the invaders.  He swears it's just for emergencies, for in the car.

The next day while preparing lunch for Honey the phone rings.  I answer but I have to repeat my self many times because I can't hear.  It's Honey on his way home for lunch stuck at the bridge construction.  I wail, "see it's not an emergency, you are becoming one of them."  He says, " Th . . t . . me . . .  n."  I just repeat, "WHAT? HUH?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"  Two minutes later he pulls up in front of the house.

Later that evening he asks me to take the pod with me to work the next day.  "The man" has a doctor appointment in the morning and he wants me to pick him up after the appointment is over.  I should be done painting at the customer's house by then but he's going to call the pod to let me know when he's ready.  Honey shows me how to answer the pod and how to place a call.  This is already much more complicated than the regular telephone.

The next day while working the pod starts "ringing" (making computerized music sounds).  It's not even time for "the man's" appointment.  I open it, press the green button, and scream "Hello, HELLO," repeatedly.  Nothing!  It flashes our home phone number but I can't hear anyone.  I try dialing out but I still can't hear anything.  After about an hour with the stupid pod ringing continuously, I'm finished working.  I gather up my equipment and pack it into the car.  As I'm leaving the job site the stupid pod starts ringing, I finally swallow my pride and ask the foreman if he knows how to dial out on the thing.  He quickly punches a bunch of buttons and hands the phone to me.  He shakes his head as he walks away mumbling something about giving a phone to a deaf girl.  I can hear it ringing!  It rings and rings and then nothing.  I figure I'll just go home and hopefully "the man" will call there.

It turns out "the man's" appointment wasn't until later in the afternoon.  I gladly give the suspected defective pod back to Honey and instruct him to, "not bother me by trying to recruit/invade me from that good for nothing Track Phone!"  What a waste!

Three months later, Honey finds a better deal on a Go Phone with twice the minutes of the Track Phone and when he calls me (during a traffic emergency on his way home for lunch) I can actually hear him.  Then my girlfriend gives me her old Track Phone which oddly enough is the same model as Honey's original Track Phone but I can hear with her's.  She and Honey share a mindless smile while their pods are attached to their ears and I program my new pod that I'll keep in my car just for emergencies.

And, I won't look too far back in my throat while I'm brushing my teeth.  I want to be blissfully ignorant of the invasion of my body by the pod people.

tags: cell phone  pod people  invasion of the body snatchers  horror  humor  

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