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Get A Laff
posted Friday, 7 December 2007
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," sai d the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
THE FRANK FELDMAN STORY
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger says, "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his freaken widow!"
Passenger says, "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his freaken widow!"
Dear Friends,
>
>
> This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired and
> discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
> anything.
>
> Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are
> equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up the man in your life, send
> him to the woman whose name appears at the top of he following list, and
> then add your name to the bottom of the list.
>
> When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to
> be better than the one you already have.
> At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
> men, all of whom were better than the sad example she started out with. An
> unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a
> Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.
>
> You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain
> and got her own husband back!
>
> So let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name and address to the list
> below.
>
> Laura Bush
> 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington, DC
>
>
> This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired and
> discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
> anything.
>
> Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are
> equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up the man in your life, send
> him to the woman whose name appears at the top of he following list, and
> then add your name to the bottom of the list.
>
> When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to
> be better than the one you already have.
> At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
> men, all of whom were better than the sad example she started out with. An
> unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a
> Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.
>
> You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain
> and got her own husband back!
>
> So let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name and address to the list
> below.
>
> Laura Bush
> 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington, DC
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood
Baptist Church wanted to get together on a
regular basis to socialize, and play games. The
lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
Baptist Church wanted to get together on a
regular basis to socialize, and play games. The
lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the
hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,
but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her
husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture
and pick some of those mushrooms? There are
plenty in the creek bed.'
hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,
but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her
husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture
and pick some of those mushrooms? There are
plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and
they're OK.'
So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked
a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her
smothered steak. Then she went out on the back
porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All
morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the
wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so
she decided to use them.
they're OK.'
So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked
a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her
smothered steak. Then she went out on the back
porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All
morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the
wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so
she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even
hired a helper lady from town to help her
serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy
little cap on her head.
hired a helper lady from town to help her
serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy
little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed,
socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican
train dominoes. About then, the helper lady
from town, came in and whispered in Janet's
ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died'
socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican
train dominoes. About then, the helper lady
from town, came in and whispered in Janet's
ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally
calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened.
calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened.
The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we
can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and
can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and
I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone
enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road. The EMT's and the
doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump. One by one, they took each person
into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach. After the last one
was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I
think everything will be fine now.' Then he
left.
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road. The EMT's and the
doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump. One by one, they took each person
into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach. After the last one
was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I
think everything will be fine now.' Then he
left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting
around the living room, and about this time,
the helper lady came in and said, 'You know,
that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even
stopped!.
around the living room, and about this time,
the helper lady came in and said, 'You know,
that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even
stopped!.
I missed the warning. Now we have 4 inches of snow. Exciting but now it can quit for the rest of the winter. Have a great weekend!
Don't be shy, leave a reply! (6)
1. John-Ward Leighton left...
Saturday, 8 December 2007 2:59 pm :: http://jayward70.toadfire.com/
God, its hard to type when you are rolling around on the carpet laughing.
JWL
2. The Capt. left...
Saturday, 8 December 2007 4:15 pm
Love that chain letter Laura sent out! He he!! ;]
3. Paula Reed left...
Sunday, 9 December 2007 6:15 pm :: http://paulareed.blog-city.com
I'm not participating in the chain. For one thing, I love my DH, for
another, what if I ended up with Laura's in my group!? Then again, I could
always feed him mushrooms...
4. sophmom left...
Thursday, 13 December 2007 11:19 pm :: http://www.dotcalm.blog-city.com
I liked the cabbie and I owe you $5.00.
5. Michelle left...
Saturday, 15 December 2007 9:15 pm :: http://tsscusb.blog-city.com/
Great jokes. I don't know which one I liked best. They're all good!
Thanks for the laugh :D
6. sophmom left...
Sunday, 16 December 2007 10:20 am :: http://www.dotcalm.blog-city.com
Just checking in. Hope all is well with you and yours.