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Exit Earth
It's been a busy weekend. Busy on the health and dying end. We are all trying to adjust to Honey's Dad having a catheter to drain his bladder. It's not such a big deal. He's home and not in pain. He's doing quite well. It's really a matter of having to drag his new "friend" around while cutting the grass or grocery shopping. Yeah, I know, ewww.
In the midst of our Sunday visit, a phone call informed us that Honey's Aunt had a stroke. We weren't exactly surprised. She's ninety. She's conscious but not cognizant. We hope that she and her children are spared suffering.
Last week a neighbor/friend's mother died and we missed the funeral. We will be sending a sympathy card to let them know we are thinking of them.
Yesterday Honey was told a childhood friend had killed himself. No one was surprised by this event. It's sad but all too common. It's a story that almost everyone has heard. Many of us lived it. This person has every reason to choose life, successful business, nice spouse, beautiful child, a family that loves them. Yet they choose drugs and alcohol. Eventually death.
In this case there won't be a funeral service. I almost think it's because everyone had been saying goodbye for years. Like the actual death was just a formality. We had seen it coming.
This incident makes me relive my time with X just as Honey relives his time with his wife. I spent a lot of time in al-anon learning to separate me from his problems; learning my responsibilities and his; recognizing what things I could and couldn't control. Every few weeks someone new would come to a meeting looking for help with their loved one. Many times they would become angry that we didn't have a magic pill or something to say that would break through to the abuser and set them on the path to wellness. Sometimes we would ask, "who controls you?" We could only tell them we were sorry that they had to deal with this situation and offer our shoulder. We were there to work on ourselves and we would invite them to join us.
Why do the sick ignore the pleas from their family and friends to seek help? It's usually after the family and friends have distanced themselves that the sick come to realize they need help. A few eventually find help and choose life. A few reject help and continue their downward spiral to death. It's a long goodbye for family and friends of those who choose death.
This is something the individual with the problem has to work on because
they're the one with the problem. Friends and relatives can be mirrors to
the individuals in trouble, but they can't make them get help. You've
heard the ole expression, YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE
'EM DRINK!
Many hugs and much sympathy. Those are a lot of losses, and though we
prepare ourselves in some cases, it's hard not to wish for what might have
been.
Hey Catty - so sorry for all the bad news. The older I get, the more I
realize that I a rapidly heading toward a time in life when I will be
losing many people...We too are dealing with a self destructive alcoholic,
again - brilliant woman, great kids, successful - you know the deal. Al
Anon is an amazing program that really makes a difference, provided you
realize that there is no magic pill - as you said. I've tried to gently
warn my husband (who is not as experienced as I with hard-core addiction)
that this could really end badly. He knows, but he doesn't REALLY
know...And the whole idea of pulling back and letting the individual "hit
bottom" is hard for people to grasp - but it's the only way. And even
then... Sometimes I think ANYONE could benefit from a healthy dose of a 12
step program, because all it really encompases is a healthy, responsible
way to live...yet the stigma continues...
Catty, I may have missed something, but does Honey's Dad have to keep the
catheter permanently??? I've dealt with catheter-at-home care as The
Husband... has had numerous kidney and bladder difficulties over the years.
It's difficult but not impossible. There are many worse things, although I
would say a permanent catheter would be a whole-nother thing.
i get those notices of death or impending death almost daily as the 2nd
World War and Korean war guys pass on. As far as the addiction problem is
concerned their is no way that someone other than the addicted can expect
to solve the problem.
In my case, I was an alcoholic, it was a one step problem, quit or die. I
know I still have the demon because I still dream about having a drink. Its
not very often these days because I've been dry now for 20 years but it is
something I have to be vigilant about.
Alcohol masked my bi polar condition and sometimes people delude themselves
into thinking that their only problem is the addiction. The really hard
work starts after you have "dried out".
Its all part of the journey and the folk saying "So soon stupid, so late
smart." seems to fit. Keep your chin up and approach every day with a
positive attitude and happiness that is within will trump all.
JWL
JWL said a mouthful. While I've certainly seen folks who cross the line
into where the addiction becomes the primary issue, it often starts as the
symptom, with its own underlying cause. I wish I knew less about this.
Capt.-I hear you. It's hard being close to someone who has alcohol and
mental problems. The things you think you do to "help" end up being things
that help the addict keep doing what they do. The addict is usually a
master at manipulation. It's a tough situation all around. As for Honey's
dad, everything is in new sealed packages and he's on antibiotics. He's
going for a laproscopic procedure on Tuesday.
You have had a rough weekend :( Hugs to you and make sure you're taking
care of yourself while taking care of others.
So much landing on you at once. Every sympathy and every good wish, and I
second Michelle's 'take care of yourself'.
A rough weekend indeed. Having walked that very fine line of abusing myself
and on the flip side, wanting help, it's true that you have to hit bottom,
and even then, not everyone makes it up the next hill. I flop often like a
fish out of water, and tend to return to childish and selfish ways of
being, to which my wife won't put up with. Having lost both my grandfathers
(way before I was born) to alcoholism and suicide, you'd think that myself
and my extended family would learn not to repeat, yet, it's not only I
who've repeated, though, happily, at least for me, I've never been
arrested, never got behind the wheel, yet, I know too many people who have,
including both my brothers, and 2 cousins, all within a 4 year period of
time.